Regrets
by fourwalls
Summary: My take on what is going on Ishida's mind during the latest chapters, and what could possibly happen. spoiler for chapter 349. Onesided IshiOri


**Regrets**

She asked me. I couldn't say no. I could see it in her eyes, the longing, the love, but it isn't for me. I look up again at that hole, feeling that tinge of jealousy in my heart. I asked myself, what did he have to get your love? What don't I have? Either way, I still couldn't say no.

It was the first time she even talked to me since I have arrived. The first time she ever called my name. She did not even bother acknowledging my presence as I came to save her. I only get something short of a glance. But for me it is enough. To see her, to know she was no way harmed, at least physically, I was already satisfied. But as I look on, I see more damage within her. It is in her eyes. The pain, the sadness, the loss of all that hope that she holds. And I hated myself for seeing her that way, for allowing her to stay too long in the confines of a condemned place.

I should have escaped the walls that training ground earlier. I felt her disappear. But that damned promise halted me from doing so. I never should have made that promise. But if I did not, I would even be more useless than I am now. How I wish I could have done more.

But time can never be turned back. And she is with me now, it is all that matters. We are in a temporary peace, even if it only lasts for a few minutes. Soon she will be safe, once Kurosaki wins. I pray to God he will win. Even if it is by his hands that she is liberated, it doesn't matter. Even if it is by his arms that she will scream out her happiness and her gratitude, it will not matter. As long as she is safe, it will suffice. As long as she is happy, nothing else matters, I will be happy.

But she had to cut that temporary peace even shorter.

"Please." she pleaded to me as her voice brought me back from my reverie.

I looked at her, with no words being able to form in my mouth. I just held out my hand for her to take, and she took it. I held her hand tighter for I feared that if I don't, she may slip out of my grasp. Her eyes widened at the gesture, but she spoke nothing more. She looked away from me, something akin to guilt within her eyes.

I led her to the break in the wall as I gathered reiatsu under my feet. I stepped out of the massive building, the light blue reiatsu solidifying under my feet. I heard her gasp as we stepped on it. Her eyes again regained that innocent astonishment. It was a beautiful sight. I looked away before she could catch me looking. I willed the solid reiastu upward making her jump with a start. She held on to my arms tightly for balance.

After a few moments of silence, she spoke. "This is amazing."

The compliment was well appreciated, but as of the present circumstances, it only reminded me of my short comings.

"I learned it while passing through the Gargantua," I answered. "I only realized I could use it in Hueco Mundo when I was halfway here. If I'd realized sooner, maybe I could have been some use in the battlefield." I let my voice sound as flat as possible, letting any trace of regret be unheard. But I guess it was not as how I wanted myself to sound.

"Ishida…" was all Inoue could say, and she held on to me even tighter.

I wanted to tell her don't worry about it, that I don't need her pity. But I just let it be. Saying more would only make me seem defensive for such weakness. And now isn't the time to let any weakness be visible to her eyes. She needs to see the light from this darkness, and I want to be that light, even if small. I wanted her fear to dissipate, I want her to regain that hope she is losing little by little. I want to see life in her eyes again.

As we get closer to the ceiling of Las Noches, I felt an evil power surrounding me.

"Wh… What the hell." I couldn't stop myself from saying. "It's coming from above the dome." I felt Inoue's hand tremble by my arms. She was terrified, and I could say the same for myself. I braced myself for what is waiting for us above the dome.

"What… is… this… Is this spiritual energy?" I said. It was different from any spiritual energy I have felt before. What demon lays in wait for us? It felt so heavy, so dense, that you cannot feel the air. It felt like drowning in a sea of nothingness, of malice.

"What…?" Inoue said, her voice shaky as her hand.

I wanted to reassure her, but what would I say, that there is nothing to worry about? Even I wouldn't believe such. "Crap" was the best that came to my mind at the time, "we have to hurry."

We reached the hole that was made into the ceiling and the feeling becomes worse here. There is nothing that I could see. It even felt like someone is stealing the air out of my lungs. It surprised me that Inoue-san could even withstand such pressure.

"I can't feel Kurosaki's energy" I told her. "Where is he?"

I heard a cold metallic voice resound at the barren land of Las Noches. "So you've come, girl?" it said.

I looked at Inoue and followed where she was looking. I saw a demon taking hold of Kurosaki, and then there was nothing else I can see but that. I saw that demon build a black energy on his fingertips, and this made a hole in Kurosaki's chest. I felt startled and speechless for a short moment. Inoue's scream made me snap back to attention.

I looked back at her and what I saw made me enraged. It was enough to drive all the fear I am feeling away. Her eyes lost all life and all hope in one instant, as she looked in the lifeless form of what once was Kurosaki Ichigo. And within the next second, Inoue ran furiously as the Cuatro espada threw his bleeding body, her Shun Shun Rikka coming to life.

As I saw as the Espada blocking her way, the anger and the fear mixed within me, creating a torrent of emotions. I feared what he will do if he lay a finger on her, I felt angry that despite this, I know I was not powerful enough to stop what he would be doing.

I immediately made use of hirenkyaku to get behind him and I conjured the strongest arrow that I could. I aimed it perfectly and released it, but it was waved off as if it was just an annoying fly.

I looked into the eyes of the demon, feeling nothing but anger at him, none of that fear that was smothering at me only moment earlier. I could safely say at this moment, I did not fear him. I was ready for death and I was not afraid. As long as Inoue gets away safely, and I saw her get past him because of the little distraction I created. Despite this effort being made for the one she loves, which was not me.

"Licht Regen." I commanded sending a rain of white light towards the Espada.

As I expected, he emerged unscathed from the attack that I unleashed. I ran again to position myself for the next attack.

"I'm shocked," he told me in his emotionless voice, "of all of Kurosaki's friends, I thought you were the calm one."

"I am calm. That's why I can fight you" I bluffed. I knew that I would sooner eat these words. I knew I had no chance.

I focused on the espada sending a barrage of arrows, but still keeping Inoue in my sight. I saw her approaching the body of Kurosaki. I was relieved momentarily that she got there safe. At least she will be able to bring him back, and maybe change the odds from what is happening right now.

It was only a fraction of a second when I looked at Inoue, but in the next second, I saw cord like whip heading in my direction. I was too late to dodge it. It coiled tightly around my arm, and I tried to pull away from it. It pulled on me forcefully it felt like it was going to rip my arm.

As I was flying back I saw blood spurting through the air. I traced where it came from, and I saw an arm land on the floor with a dry thud. It looked so familiar, that I looked at my hand, and what I saw did not surprise me. Only then did I realize that it was my hand that was lying there. I immediately took out the styptic and injected myself with it. It was almost like a reflexive reaction. I did not even feel that I lost an arm. The shock was too much for me process everything. It was only moments after that I realized how much I lost.

But Inoue called my name, reminding me why I was there, why I was fighting. The arm did not matter anymore.

"Don't worry," I reassured her, "I've already used anesthesia and stopped the bleeding. Inoue… You take care of Kurosaki."

It was painful to say, but it was the only chance she had to be able to get out of this place. And I am willing to sacrifice myself to give her that chance. I could not stand to see tears in her eyes. Then I felt that I might not see her again after this.

I felt the fury flood within me because of the thought, pumping to my legs as I charged with renewed energy, drawing Seele Schneider. I heard Inoue scream my name, but it sounded so distant, trying to urge me to stop but it's too late for that. But as I closed the gap between me and the espada, his tail flung out, and my vision dimmed, until I lost consciousness.

I felt the pain in my chest, a gash, an open wound. But despite its intensity, it felt unimportant, unreal. I remember the fight that I have just been in, and it suddenly felt like it was from a long time ago. There is nothing I can see, I don't know what is happening outside, and I don't really care.

I felt my left arm throbbing, remembering it wasn't there. I felt sorrow and rage from the dark caverns of my heart. Losing an arm should be nothing compared to when my stomach and the other contents of my abdomen was crushed. But I am a Quincy, and an archer. Losing an arm would render me useless. It was everything that I had trained for all of my existence. I would have traded it all to regain that arm back. I would rather die than not be able to fight. I did not know that this wish would sooner be granted.

And it is something I would welcome dearly.

I was already succumbing to the comfortable darkness when I heard the piercing cry of Inoue-san. Her voice brought me back to consciousness. I did not know how long it was that I was unconscious. I opened my eyes to see an orange light surrounding me, but it is now shattered, the small fairy like creatures broken with it. The gash on my flesh was still visible, but it was already smaller, my arm was still nothing but a bloodied stump, but I could care less about it with what I saw.

It all came to me in a slow motion, Kurosaki, who now looks a lot different was charging against the Espada, both of them bloodied and spent. I knew exactly that both of them were delivering their finishing blow. What really alarmed me was the one running towards the middle of them, Inoue-san. It seem like she put it upon herself to stop them from killing each other, but I immediately could see what would result from her actions.

I suddenly remembered Kurosaki's words as he told me to shield her with my body. And that is what I did.

Within a flash I found myself dashing towards her, and within less than a second, I successfully pushed her out of the way and blocked the espada's blow by catching his wrist above my head. I looked at her by my feet, and found myself smile. At least she was unharmed.

Then I felt a sharp pain on my gut and saw a sword sticking through it. There was also a tail. I traced where the sword belonged to, and I saw the black and yellow eyes that belong to Kurosaki Ichigo, shock visible in his features. I look back again in front of me and saw the collapsing Espada who was holding onto Zangetsu it's tip forming a second hole just below his first one. I wondered where it came from. He slid from the sword and fell.

My hands traveled without thought to where the sword was sticking through me. I felt a small hole, something smaller than the one from the Espada, just below my rib. Now I realized where it came from. I wanted to say something to tell them it's ok, but nothing came out as I opened my mouth.

I fell to my knees and as I did so, came in level with Inoue-san widened eyes. Tears were streaming down her cheek. I knew she was crying for me, I knew why she was crying. It's over. But even then, I felt myself smile at her.

I did not feel it when the sword or the tail was pulled out from me. I did not know when Kurosaki ran madly for help with tears brimming his eyes. I did not know of what happened to the Cuatro Espada. All I knew was that Inoue caught my fall. Looking into her gray eyes, tearful for me, I was happy. She cradled my head in her lap as she ran a hand through my hair, gazing at me with those sad eyes, the trembling within her lulling me to sleep. I see her summoning up her Rikka, touching her hairpins. But they don't obey. She was telling me she was sorry, that her Rikka was broken, that they also need to heal before they can be used again. And more tears come out of her eyes. I wanted to tell her not to worry about it.

She continuously chanted my name, rocking my head back and forth; it was the loveliest lullaby I heard. A sound I am willing to hear forever. But the sound is growing duller, the world is growing dimmer, until she was all that I can see, until there is nothing more that I can see. The warmth I am feeling from her extinguished, 'til all I can feel is the cold spreading all over my body. I wanted to reach for her, to touch her, but I can't move, I'm finding it hard to breath.

I knew I was dying. I accepted that. I knew that there was nothing that could reverse what has happened. I did not fear death, and I do not fear it now as it was already taking my hand. I made a lot of mistakes, in my life, and I accepted their consequences without regret. But there is one thing that I did regret; it is that I never told her how I felt for her, when I have the strength left to do so. I did not tell her how much I loved her, and how I still do at this very same moment, when I was still able to spout out senseless arrogance. But now I cannot move my lips, the strength has left me.

Either way, I was contented. She would get another chance in this life that took so much from her. I felt as her tears fell one last time on my face, it sent one last jolt of electricity through my skin. She may be crying now, but what I will always remember is her beautiful smile. A smile that made me feel alive, even in death.

I was no longer aware when she sobbed furiously, hugging my limp form onto her chest when the life have left me. I was no longer aware of Kurosaki's blank eyes as he stared at me while the Captain of the fourth division told him it was too late.

I was only aware that I reached the end of my road.

END.

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A/N: it's been a while since I last wrote. It's just a that the latest manga chapter inspired me so much to write again... I hope you'll like it. I don't think that this will really happen, and I really woudn't like it to happen, but I just wanted to see some drama.

I really do think this is partly how Ishida thinks. And Ishida was so great in chapter 349, this is to express my love for our favorite Quincy, and sort of like a character analysis as well. This is how I interpret him...

Anyway, please review if you read this. Positive or negative, both are welcome. I just want to to know if I could still write things and your opinions do matter a lot to me. Tell me if you like it or not. Thanks.


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